This body isn't afraid to look like it's doing life

'They're really not THAT bad' I'm commiserated with.
Huh? I feel confused. I wasn't aware that I warranted commiserations on this. The 'they' in question? My knees.

I know. Who knew you could have bad knees? - beyond the actual infrastructure of them, of course. I wasn't aware my knees were problematic at all until my toddler showed concern for their 'bruises'. Which I jovially shared in company. Thus the commiserations.

I hadn't really looked before, but if turns out my knees are really dark compared to the rest of my legs. And a bit rough. Calloused, you might say. I think it must be because I both love wearing skirts and dresses, and spend most of my time crawling around on the floor with little'uns. My knees are useful, they do their job, and I suppose, if I think about it, that you can tell they do their job if you look at them.

It doesn't feel like a problem to me. And as I approach 30, this recent life-moment got me thinking about the other bits of me that are bearing signs of use. My tummy that has stretched to house a couple of kiddies. My boobs which are still feeding one of those kiddies. My feet which are essentially growing their own leather soles. My face which is starting to etch my emotions more permanently for others to see.

I quite like it. I don't like that my forehead now quietly betrays the temper I wish I controlled more, or the way I get jittery if my blood sugar drops these days. And I'm not a huge fan of the beating that my mental state has taken lately, but that's sort of it. The rest is OK. Because I think it shows that I'm using my body to do life. That's what it's designed for.

It seems to be an unpopular thing, to have a body, a face, even a house or a car, that look like it gets used. One of my favourite all time quotes ever was Patsy in Ab Fab, post-botox.

I'm happy about that, can you tell?'
'No.'
'Money well spent.'

Utterly brilliant - but sort of sad too. Why wouldn't we want to show that we are, that we have spent time being, happy?

Our bodies start out beautifully, ludicrously soft and smooth and unblemished. Teeny babies with skin so perfect you can't quite believe it's real. Within days it starts to be flawed by baby acne or cradle cap, all thanks to encountering its own sweat and the outside world for the first time. We fall over, bump our heads, gather bruises, tan lines, scars from minor scrapes, injections and illnesses. We grow callouses, scar tissue, lines and marks, moles and freckles. Some of us choose to add ink and metal into the mix. And slowly as we move through life, our body becomes a road map for where we've been.

'The Picture of Dorian Grey' shows that you cannot escape your life choices, and your personality from showing - and although it's hyperbolic I think it's true. Scowl all your life and your face will show it. 'The wind'll change and you'll be stuck like that' my Grandma used to tell me when I was merrily sulking in one of my moods.There's an element of truth to that, I think; it's just not instantaneous.

So, my thoughts on the eve of my 30th birthday are these:
- That I'm proud of the 29 years that my body is showing so far, all the things I've done and thought and felt, because they reflect me and how I got here.
- I'm going to choose to be proud of all the new lines and scars and marks and alterations that keep coming, - but I'm going to try and remember that the choices I make will show on my face too. I think that, in 30 years' time, I'd like more lines around my eyes and mouth than on my forehead.

This body I'm in is getting used to do life, and it shows - so I'm going to try and show the best life I can on it.

Shutting out the 'shoulds'

I'm a pretty sure-of-myself kind of gal. If I make up my mind on something, I'll stick to it - unless I do more research and flip to a new perspective which I'll likely hold just as strongly to... Yeah, I'm one of those.

Even so, I'm a real victim of the 'Should's.

You know those voices that undermine your choices or make you feel guilty for not changing something?

From the simple examination of my new frown lines (my fringe grew out and there they were) comes the helpful 'I should moisturise more'. A quick chucking away of some plastic whilst out and about chides me with 'I should have taken that home to recycle it.'

And then there's every less-than ideal parenting moment in each and every day, all with their own 'should' tags. All those moments when I didn't manage to mentally step away from the situation and reconnect with my child as is the general advice I read, but instead either evoked Banshee-mama or the delightful short-tempered and snippy Moodymummy to parent on that occasion. I feel guilt and failure as I look back on them once the moment has passed and hear the reproachful Shoulds murmur their disappointment.  A really bad parenting faux pas can get put on repeat as my head hits the pillow, the Shoulds warding off sleep that I desperately want.

And it's so completely and utterly pointless.

At the moment I have a 9 month old who seems to be on sleep strike unless my boob is wedged in his mouth. I am currently lying on his mattress, feeding him to sleep again because the last three times he fell asleep, my boob fell out before he was deep enough in dreamland not to notice and we went back to square one. The Shoulds in this form an endless patter of mental background noise. I should be:
trying to break the association of feeding with sleep
allowing him to feed to sleep without resentment if that's what he needs
encouraging more independence and slipping away before he's fully asleep
enjoying these cuddles because they won't last forever
using this time to pray or read my Bible, not scroll Facebook
using this time to sleep given I'm not getting enough at night
leaving him to cry out with my husband instead...

The list is endless. All Shoulds. All, essentially telling me that my reality is wrong in some way, either in action or thought. That I'm getting it wrong. That I'm failing.

I have recently learned that all these Shoulds form a stick that I beat myself up with. Endlessly. If you physically beat yourself up every day, you'd have bruising, breaks and soreness. It didn't occur to me until someone else pointed it out that this is the case emotionally and mentally too.

I'm having a hard time with this stick. I'm trying to put it down more, and my aim is to eventually break it up and use it as kindling, but it takes a lot of energy to put it down. Conscious energy, and self-awareness, and compassion, and there are too many days when I don't seem to have the resources to do it. Frustratingly, on the days I find those reserves from somewhere, I have more energy. I find more joy. I feel lighter. It's almost like the investment adage, you have to spend money to make money. I have to spend energy to make energy. And it's hard.

If I break it down though, it starts with just saying, 'Hush' to each Should that starts to tap me on the shoulder. Telling it that actually, right now, this is OK. In this moment, or in the moment where I was less than I would like, I was as much as I could be. Maybe I wish that I could have been more, but tomorrow is another day, and I'll give it everything I've got, just like today.

Some days, I don't have as much to give as I wish I did. I am less than I would like. And I am working on believing that that is OK.

The baddies in our bathroom: unleashing your inner hippy without compromising on quality stuff

When I was a teenager, I had one friend who lived differently to me - and to everyone else I knew. She and her siblings were homeschooled, their mattresses were all on the floor, they kept chickens, made their own bread and their house had a lovely earthy yet botanical smell to it. I loved it there. It was a warm, welcoming home full of warm, welcoming people. I was curious about the way they lived but, as many a teenager who also adored sloping about in Boots would have, I was mostly intrigued by their toiletries.

As I went into my twenties, I did enough research to know that I didn't want to be cramming my body with processed food or covering it with chemicals and some of my findings in my friend's house encouraged me to look out products that would support this aim. However, I didn't really want to compromise on the lovely things I liked best, so Tom's toothpaste and Neals Yard shampoo sat alongside a Clarins cleanser and some beauties from Benefit... I've relinquished ore and more of the lovelies over the years, mostly due to budget rather than ethics, I'm ashamed to say, and have grown quite fond of my local Green Shop. I even  make several a few products for our family from scratch. But what if you're not a fan of 'green shops!?

For some, lavender just isn't a preferable scent. I get that. That earthy yet botanical scent that somehow fills all wholesome, natural (and, being honest, slightly hippy) shops and homes isn't a comforting and enjoyable bouquet for everyone. So what if you fancy less chemical yuck in your bathroom cabinet or make-up bag but need it to smell less 'essential oil' and more beauty counter?

It's totally do-able without breaking the bank and lots is available in your standard high street or supermarket. (Of course, you can always rely on that brilliant of 'buy everything you possibly need from your armchair / bed / other snuggly place' using the internet.) The biggest challenge, I think, is in identifying the products that are genuinely yuck-free as opposed to marketed as such because they have a bit of 'organic this' or 'ethical that' else in their creation.

This isn't a blog on what the nasties are, or why they're nasty, so you'll need to do your own research if you want that info. Just have a Google: there's a good number of blogs highlighting problem ingredients or questioning whether they're all that bad, so you can make up your mind what you think. If I'm honest, I don't fully know half of what some of the nasties do. 

But I do know that the more basic and natural you go, the less likely it is that someone will say in 20 years' time: 'We're banning X, it seems it turns you purple.'

So, some easy pointers to prove that actual nice-to-your-body toiletries are out there next to your shopping basket, complete with pretty packaging, yummy scents and genuine quality...

1. Happy Hair Days shampoos and conditioners - found in Sainsbury's - are rather lovely, smell good (I'm using a yummy macadamia nut smell at the moment), lather well and don't build up at all. I'm a fan. They're SLS, paraben and phthalate free. They're also only about £2.50 a bottle - it's nice when there's not a silly mark-up for wanting to take care of yourself!
2. 'Yes to' is a range of fragrance free skincare from San Francisco that Boots now stock. It's paraben, phthalate and SLS free and showcases different core ingredients depending on your skin type - Yes to cucumbers for sensitive skin, Yes to carrots for normal to dry skin, Yes to blueberries for aging skin, etc. It's reasonably priced, and lovely make-up artist Lisa Eldridge recommended Yes to cucumber's sensitive cleanser in a recent YouTube post on good cleansing products. (I like it too...)
3. For little people, Child's Farm is stocked at Boots and is SLS, paraben and phthalate free plus dermatologically tested to be suitable for eczema-prone skin. It smells nice in a kiddy kind of way - think Body Shop's fruit ranges - so if you like that kind of thing, there's no reason it should be kiddy-only!
4. Boots and Superdrug both stock paraben-free stuff including Palmers, Aveda, Weleda and BareMinerals. 
5. Neal's Yard stuff is no longer only sold in Neal's Yard, Covent Garden which is handy, although the Internet means online shopping is easier often. It's also pretty pricey now it's so well loved :(

A couple of online finds include Jelly Pong Pong, which is good make-up (from the bits I have) in fun packaging (think Benefit style) but works hard to be as natural as possible. I like. Mineral Fusion gets the stamp of approval from a few beauty gurus too, though I've not tried it. None of these have any of the 'health food shop' about them. Promise.

If this has got you thinking but you want more options, there's some great articles and blogs rating toiletries, makeup ranges and perfumes - a couple of Huffpost ones on top skincare are handy and rate brands like Trilogy (Princess Katherine is a fan, apparently) which you can get at Boots or online.

By digging a little, it seems there's a whole host of options from budget or affordable to high-end swit-swoo products none of which are reminiscent of claggy or greasy moisturisers or rustic soap. And with not a whiff of patchouli or lavender, no-one need even realise that you're secretly a bit of a hippy.

An adventure in ombhus...

I love babywearing - but if I'm honest, I love the slings just as much. I have a couple of wraps, a Lenny Lamb ergo carrier and a few homemade mei tais which do different things (newborn soft, padded shoulders for comfy back carries etc).

I love making carriers too and if I hear someone's pregnant, chances are I'll make them a cute mei tai - because even if they're not into babywearing much, or even at all, there are times when your baby wants to be held, you want to get on, and a sling - if it's there - might just be the magic answer that time.

With my latest Peeling, a Goliath of a chap who was in 9-12 month clothes from 20 weeks, I've hit a bump to get over... Munchkin could be worn on my front with a waterproof over her sling and my waterproof zipped up to meet her bum, keeping us pretty dry, until around 9 months old. Goliath stopped fitting around 4 weeks ago. He's too young to be exposed to the elements really, but on very wet days, we need a way to both keep dry and be comfortable. An umbrella is a poor solution when you live on top of a windy hill, too.

My solution is to make a carrier out of an old waxed jacket - and to add poppers or zips so that my waxed jacket can meet it. Then, when he's older, it's a waterproof carrier in its own right and he can have his Muddy Puddles onesie under it (other brands are, of course, available!)

My mum gave me her old jacket - but it's a beautiful Barbour and I couldn't bring myself to hack it apart until I knew exactly what I wanted. And almost the same time, I came across ombhus... Hmm - maybe I want a Barbour Ombhu? So I started my prototypes.

An ombhu, or ombhuimo, is an Asian carrier similar to the mei tai, only instead of having ties at the waist to hold the carrier in place and create a seat, it has little loops which the top straps pass through - so as you tighten the straps, the seat gets deeper too, holding the little'un nice and high on your back.

A brilliant carrier for squirmers and legstraighteners, it seems, because the seat cannot be gotten out of whilst the straps are on your shoulders. With the lesser amount of fabric, (only 2 straps and a short body - see further down the article) these are really compact carriers, and are great for out and about with walking toddlers who want to be up and down a lot, they're so simple to put on and take off. Because they don't have a waist strap, they're good for pregnant wearers or those who don't like a waist tie. These carriers literally look like a standard rucksack.

My first ombhu I made fabric loops, having read that some find the traditional metal rings dig in a bit. Only I made the loops too big so they meet when I'm tightening the straps and I can't get a tight enough carry. My straps were too long and really bugged me with all that tail. And I attempted to pad lightly around the leg given my big little man is only young and I thought it might be comfier on his tender legs. The problem with the padding is that it's in the wrong place while the loops are so big - the seat is really very deep. Finally, my body was a bit long - I read after making this one that an ombhuimo body is generally shorter than a mei tai, and designed more for older kidlets with arms out. So, my unpicker will be coming out to re-do the loops, and I'll be lopping off a chunk of strap tail on each strap. I'll also be popping a little padding into the top section of the straps so they stay spread when in rucksack style on my back. It'll be perfect if ready for summer as it's a really lightweight one with a vibrant colour scheme and it'll fit beautifully by then (it was close to beinget too high on his back - almost to upper neck).

All this learning under my belt, I set to making a new-and-improved prototype. I cut a good 2" off my length to shorten the body, went for shorter straps, smaller loops and light padding on the shoulders. I'm a bit proud of this one; it looks quite cool - as the Munchkin calls it 'the boofaloo carrier' - but it's still not quite right. The loops and straps are good, but the body's slightly shorter than I'd like, in that it's ok for an older child (Munchkin is just ok in it but I wouldn't advocate her napping...) but it's too low on my Goliath's back. With the padded shoulders there's less grip on the wearer and my husband and I both found we needed to tie Tibetan to get a good snug fit (crossing straps back through the shoulder straps to give an X shape on chest then tying it off). The biggest issue though isn't, I think, to do with my making...

As with all carriers, there's a learning curve, even if only a little one. With the ombhu it seems to be getting the perfect balance between tight and loose... To explain: not tight enough and there's not a good seat, they're not secure on your back, you start to get backache after a short while and your centre of gravity is all wrong. BUT tighten too much and the seat pulls up too much, off setting the top of the carrier and causing a bit of a tilt. The body shortens too much, the tightness at the bottom pushes out the top and you're left feeling like your little one is pulling back from your shoulders.

When my husband wore the Munchkin, I was able to help pull the carrier back up on her back and feed the seat back a bit while he kept tension on the straps, which stopped the leaning - but a carrier should be fine to use on your own, unassisted - or at least for me it should.

I rather love the second ombhu I made; it's so compact a carrier that it's a perfect option to carry in my bag for if Munchkin gets tired when she insists on walking and I know she's not going to manage it all. It's also handy, given that I tandem carry when she's in a carrier, that you can thread the ombhu around the child, stand them on a bench or similar (when they're toddler age or older, obviously!) and tighten them up onto your back without the standard 'forward lean' of babywearing set-up. Ideal if you've already got a mini person strapped on your front.

However, it's going to take a bit of shifting weight and pulling fabric each time to get a good, snug and safe fit, I think. I'll persevere, and I'd welcome any suggestions or tried and tested ways around this issue, but for that reason, I'll not be making any more. It'll be a Barbour mei tai for me, I think.

If you're an ombhu fan and you have any thoughts on avoiding the lean, please let me know. Or have you also tried an ombhu and found it less straightforward than it seems?! I'd love to hear :)

My first mei tai - 

with a 3 day old Goliath in it! 

The wilderness years...

Yesterday, my husband and I were driving to church for the morning service - not our own church, as we were staying with relatives for the weekend. The conversation went something like :
Me: Who's going out with munchkin?
Him: Well if you go out, you'll have both of them and be a novelty, but if I have her and you have him..'
Me: 'Divide and conquer approach. Got it.'
So he got covered in paint and checked on munchkin's need to wee every 10 minutes and I handled a teething 4 month old due a feed and a nap.

That was an easy weekend too. At our own church, with my husband a deacon and me the worship coordinator, a Sunday morning is one of my busiest days at the office. We want to bring up our little'uns to know and love God, to have respect for other worshippers and to enjoy their time at church, so we do our best to help them engage with the more structured worship of a Sunday as well as the daily living with Jesus as our model. We want to live our roles within the church to the best of our ability, in tune with God and His will for our church. Both of us have a responsibility to help those around us engage with our Father, see Jesus more clearly, make space for the Spirit to work in His people. These wants and aims are a wonderful privilege. They do, however, leave very little space to engage with God ourselves.

The last time I listened to a speaker and took in all of their message was some time ago. The last time I worshipped without having an eye on the congregation or a child was a fair while ago too - and the last time I actually focused, in a prayerful attitude, on God's message for me or prompts in my life, I can't even remember. 

Away from church, we pray with our little'uns every day and we talk about Jesus, about how He taught us to be. I grab snatches of time to ask for help, to say sorry for losing my patience yet again, to be thankful for a beautiful moment. But it's like texting God rather than visiting him. I send out my messages, sometimes I check for a reply and partly take in what it says before getting sidetracked again.

I can't be alone in this. Often, men and women my age, with a young family, are hugely active in their churches. I can't be the only one who is finding that having young children means very little time for nurturing your own relationship with God. Surely others are also wandering the wilderness during this phase of life?

It has been frustrating me of late, this wilderness. I'm having times where I resent the work my role requires, especially when it cuts into, perhaps, time with my husband, which is also on the lean side. He and I have exchanged rueful glances when one of us tentatively asks the other what they got out of a service as we leave the church. I feel guilty that, as I sing most weeks in our worship group, he has to go out to the creche with our munchkin so misses the service. I feel guilty that my youngest gets chucked in a sling on my back and ignored, that my eldest spends an extra hour and a half trying to find ways to entertain herself as we prep for the service. And this guilt is no friend to the servant heart I want to offer my God and my church.

Then, yesterday, after we agreed to divide and conquer, something occurred to me - or maybe I finally heard it... 

My family is a blessing from God and for this time, right now, we should be meeting with Him as a family, with all the disruption and mayhem that implies. We can't find the space to do more than that at the moment and maybe that's ok. Maybe texting God right now is fine, maybe he knows that I'll try and visit as often as I can and he'd rather hear from me in a few messages each day than not at all. 

My attitude needs to change. I might be in the wilderness, but why does that mean I can't find time to meet with God? Jesus popped off to the desert expressly to find Him!I need to find Him within my life as it is rather than trying to carve a space away from them to focus, because that space isn't there at the moment. 

Lent is on the horizon, and that's a time of wilderness; an opportunity to strip back in order to understand more. I think my aim right now is to embrace my wilderness. I want to accept it, to keep on trusting that God will seek me out in it, to keep trying to walk his path, and to keep an eye out for the rare oasises that are sure to be found here and there, if I walk it for long enough.

Squeezing me into the new year

It's a new year. I have spent the last two years brewing and birthing Peelings. This has left very little room for other things because bumps and breastfeeding seem to take up a lot of room / time.

This year there are going to be no pregnancies. No births. I will be attempting to bestow some semblance of order onto life with two under two. It's not a task I'm looking forward to really, but it must be done because I think I've reached the point where I need, from the point of retaining my last vestiges of sanity, to create something that's been overlooked.

Time for me.

Not 'me time' in that beautiful, quiet, in a bath with a glass of vino and Einaudi on the stereo kind of serene time - I don't think my mind would handle that much space - but time where I don't have a child clamouring for attention or being sustained in some way.

I want to use my sewing machine for longer than 20 minutes in one go. To reupholster the two wingback chairs bought as a Project when I was pregnant with the first munchkin and had no idea what was about to hit me. To cook real meals that take more than 10 minutes on the hob, or to get stuff done on the house and to feel a sense of achievement afterwards.

Because at the moment, I don't feel like I accomplish anything. Ever. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but it makes me feel a bit flat sometimes. I stumble through the day, making sure we all survive - and with an aim that everyone feels like they're enjoying life for at least a small chunk of the time - trying not to be hideous to my husband when he comes home from work, and getting as much of my Life Admin done online as possible whilst my newest clusterfeeds through the evening. Then I climb into bed too late, get chatted at throughout the night by my good natured Goliath of a baby, who finally falls asleep a couple of hours before the Munchkin wakes up - and around we go again.

Before you read misery into this, I love this odd little Groundhog Day that we live in. My little'uns, hard work as they are, stun me with their awesomeness in copious little ways daily. They're truely the most incredible things. But that doesn't mean there aren't times where I feel thwarted in living the bit of life that they don't occupy. Because they brutally invade and I seem unable to mount a decent counter attack.

Before I get to the point where resentment creeps in, I want to try and order life a little so that a space reappears for me to occupy solo. Or to choose to share with another - like my husband, who I miss chatting with about real stuff rather than aforementioned life admin, or friends who are subjected to the split attention and erratic eye contact of a day time parent.

So here I am, writing this on my phone in the dark, my little man asleep on me, trying to pluck up the courage to leave him sleeping on his own. It's the first night of trying. I'm likely to spend the evening thus: Lay solidly sleeping child down carefully, take ten minutes to retract arms, hands, face, ensure top with smell on is nearby and hold breath - as their eyes ping open at the last hurdle and back to square one we go. And that's my evenings for the next few months, I expect.

It's worth the time, I know, and when I look back it'll seem quicker than a blink.

And every time I feel frustrated that I'm picking him up once again, after hours of feeding and rocking and cuddling, I'm going to remember two things:

1. that, we speculate to accumulate - and I must do this for my own sanity,
and
2. that just two weeks after I can successfully put him down first time and am free by 7.30 most evenings, I'll be lamenting the loss of my extensive cuddles and wishing time wasn't flying by so fast.

Review: the new Peenut (cloth nappy system)

The TotsBots Peenut baby - so cute!

On 7th September to coincide with the start of Zero Waste Week, Tots Bots released a new cloth nappy system. The Peenut.

Designed to be their most cost-effective way of doing cloth bums yet, the simple, no frills nappies are birth to potty, day to night, and with a while clean outer to reduce the number of nappies you need.

Being the nappy geek I am, I immediately ordered 2 wraps and inners to test out how they work on both my newborn (small stationary bot) and my 18month old (heavier soiling, crazy-active bum).

Why is it new and exciting?

My munchkin inspects the merchandise

• Often the initial outlay cost of cloth nappies is off-putting for those who'd otherwise try it, even though cloth is massively cheaper than disposables in the long term with an average cost saving of £1200 for one child - and economies of scale thereafter (see the pdf available here for some cost breakdowns, assumptions and graphs, if that's your thing). These nappies will set you back less than £200 for an entire starter kit , so all the nappies you need for one baby, from birth through to potty. Not too shabby.
• No muss, no fuss. In theory, these are the simplest and easiest cloth nappies to use yet. They have a wipe-clean outer and pop-in inserts of varying absorbency so that less components are needed.  All you have to do is choose which pads you want to pop in (depending on the age, wee-capacity, and day/night situation of your little one) and wipe clean the outer wrap before popping them in and onto your baby's bum.

The best bits

• Pop pop pop. Need I say more? So simple, so quick, so easy to use. I'm a bit in love with the popper insert system, and I defy you to find me anyone who can't change a cloth nappy with one of these systems.  If you've never used cloth before, or have a cloth-phobic relative or carer taking your usually cloth-bummed little one on a regular basis, these nappies should allay any panic. Pop them to size, pop in the inner and velcro shut. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

• The versatility. With 2 children with different needs, both of them are able to wear these by adapting the size and absorbency as needed each change. Also being adaptable to other cloth elements like additional boosters is a big win. 
• Slimline shape. If you're put off cloth because of the chunky bum look and the need to put your baby in bigger sized bottom halves, this will sort that problem. In a Peenut, you can't tell that it's cloth. It's that streamlined. 
• They're a good size unlike other TotsBots which can be a bit on the small side. The size 2, which is meant for 9-35lbs, would happily fit even the chunkiest of toddling bums, so you're sure to get your use out of them.
• The PUL outer is a lot more leakproof than I have found TotsBots fabric outers to be in the past,  and whilst there's only one leg elastic on each side (no double-protective elastic like a Blueberry wrap has) the inner is absorbant enough that it seems pretty leakproof to me. I'm a regular changer though and practice a bit of Elimination Communication so if you prefer your cloth nappies to rival a disposable's containment, this might not be so leakproof for you...
• They're very pretty. The Elements patterns of white with rainbows or birds on is very cute; or any of the existing nursery rhymes and stories prints are lovely. Or you can go for plain white. 

So do they do what they say?

Size 2 on its smallest setting...

• I initially ordered two wraps, a size 1 for my newborn, and a size 2 for my toddler, then changed my mind when I realised that my tiny one isn't very tiny...  So right there, it's not quite birth to potty - even my little man who was 9lb 3.5 at birth (within the weight limit for the size 2 wrap) and who at 5 weeks old is in 3-6 month clothes, has only just started comfortably fitting the smallest setting on the size 2 in the past few days. Whilst he's long rather than chunky, I'd suggest that most babies would need at least 6-8 weeks of life before the Peenut would work unless the size 1 wraps were used. To go truely from birth to potty with this system would require both size wraps, meaning the size 1's, which take you to 18lbs, would be obsolete once your little one was a few months old.
• The wipe clean outer... I have to say, when my order came I was surprised. I expected to see something revolutionary. Instead, I saw a hybrid of a TotsBots nappy and a Blueberry diaper wrap. Really, it's just a PUL wrap. And whilst a wee could be wiped clean, if the nappy is very wet, the legs of the wrap do seem to get a bit damp. I reused one on my newborn for an overnight change (pop-pop - so quick!) but in the morning the wrap felt damp as did his babygro although there was no evidence of leaking. 
• And poo is definitely out. I wouldn't fancy the faff of trying to stretch out the leg elastic to 'wipe clean' poo from the creases. Or from around the poppers. Or any of the seams. To be honest, unless you caught your wee or a solid (once your child was older) poo the moment it happened, I'm not convinced that wiping it clean would be a viable option all that often - and I'm a frequent changer. I'm still willing to give it a go here and there but if I can feel any dampness at all on the wrap, I'll be swapping it out for a new one. On this element, I'm not sold...
• The pop-in inners? They're good. Really good - nice and wide so they fill the nappy outer, they're lovely and absorbent and the poppers inside really help keep your nappy shape, so no bunched up inserts after a wee. That said, I used the 'night' system of both inners popped together for the daytime as my girl's a pretty heavy wetter at 18 months, and I wouldn't want to test it overnight on her. She can leak overnight even with a Blueberry wrap, bamboo inner and booster, and this didn't feel quite as robust. 
• One inner is fine for my newborn during the day and two, with the second folded in half for absorbency where it's needed will work well when he's a little bigger - but it's too chunky between his legs to do that right now. I added a mini booster between the inner and the wrap instead and the popped in inner helped hold the booster in place,  so it seems a compatible system with existing nappy supplies if you already have them. 

The downsides

• For me, the biggest downside is the flip side to the good absorbency - drying time. Even a full day on the washing line, now that the sun's not as hot, doesn't get these completely dry, and when forced to dry indoors, it can be a few days until the inner is ready for use again. For me to use these full time, I'd need a fair few inners which goes against the minimalist ethos behind the Peenut. To segway into cost briefly though, they're a lot cheaper than many other systems so you can afford to stock up on a few more inners than you might otherwise, and with the inserts being able to be used singly for lighter wetters, each set (2 inners costing c£8 if bought as a,single set) can effectively be 2 nappies. Looked at that way, the absorbency pros outweigh the cons.
• Again on absorbency, though: it's not quite as pro as it's cracked up to be. My munchkin, at 18 months and a reasonable wetter, uses the 'night' setting with both inserts for a normal daytime nappy, and this morning after 2 hours of wear, we already had a leak. Because of that, I wouldn't try the 'night' version at night. Not until she's almost managing dry nights, I don't think. 
• That said, the oh-so-slim inners mean there's plenty of space in the wrap to add a booster and it might be that a slimline but extra absorbent booster like a hemp one, or another bamboo layer, might get you through the night with a heavier wetter. I'll comment later if I get brave enough to risk a broken night with my girl! 
• Wipe-clean? I don't personally think this works brilliantly as already outlined - have a read above if you're skipping about a bit! 
• Velcro fastening. For many this will be a plus,  but on personal preference, I'm a popper-up gal and I wish these had a popper close.
• Single gusset. Accustomed to the Blueberry's failsafe double gusset (2 elastic sections around the legs for leakproof bums), I wish all nappies had them. That's all. 

In conclusion 

They're not going to rival my Blueberry wraps for super-awesomeness any time soon, but the speed of changing, the ability to take less nappy elements out and about, and the versatility of use, as well as the very palatable price tag means that these get a good 'wrap' from me! In fact, I needed to up my stash to counteract the rain (slower drying) and additional baby and what did I order? The Peenut.

A quick note :

These don't come with liners as part of the pack as some do. - I'd recommend fleece liners for wicking away the moisture from your little one's bum, and minimising leaks.

If you're interested in this nappy system but want more information, or want to chat about cloth nappies more generally, please get in touch. My details are all here.

A spot of EC...

Recently, with my munchkin now 17 months old, I came across elimination communication, or EC, as all the cool cats call it.

I can't help but read up on anything parenting/child-rearing related, especially if it sounds a little 'against the flow' - because chances are it's more interesting and gives more food for thought. With a little girl who already tells me when she's going to the toilet and a newborn bun in its final stage of baking, cue me buying 'Diaper Free Baby' for my Kindle and Googling EC for toddlers...

I love the concept and, as far as the communication bit goes, we've always done a version of it, but my experience introducing it a little more formally to the munchkin has been - interesting.

 

So EC, for those of you who are new to the idea (like me, several weeks ago) is essentially the practice of communicating with your child about their weeing and pooing, and consistently although not necessarily continuously, offering them the opportunity to do their thing in a loo, or loo-type receptacle, rather then in their nappy. From newborn onwards this might mean watching your baby/child avidly and learning their cues for toileting much as we do for hunger, tiredness, tummy-ache etc, trying to catch as many wees and poos as possible and keeping nappy-wearing to a minimum. Or it might mean offering them the potty during nappy free time, or at nappy changes, or for half an hour a couple of times a week. It could mean anything in between.

This is based on the premise that babies naturally do not want to soil themselves. Like other animals, toileting near themselves or their den isn't a happy option, and we essentially train our children to use a nappy, before, a couple of years later, training then not to again. EC cuts the nappy training and allows a gentle option to toilet away from them whenever possible.

I really like the idea of learning and understanding my child's toileting patterns, of demystifying the toilet, and of avoiding leaving my little'uns in dirty nappies - and to a far lesser extent than most practicing EC, we've done this with our munchkin. Mostly because, with cloth nappies, she's always been aware of when she's wet or dirty and we've always changed her the moment we are too. Who wants to sit or play in wee-wee soaked cloth?! Also, with another mini-Peeling imminent, I wanted to look into what this EC malarky might look like for baby number 2 from birth.

The short, summary thought, is that whilst it's a brilliant premise, beyond the communication bit it's all rather hectic and full on if you try to go the whole hog with a toddler - and with a newborn, it's probably a lot easier to do full-time if you don't have the aforementioned toddler distracting you with their untimely weeing... Because, let's be honest, it's hard enough to give as much attention as you want to both a toddler and a newborn simultaneously without throwing constant wee-and-poo alert into the mix. 

Bright Bots training pants... Munchkin's favourite are 'Geeeen'.

Our weeks of increased EC enthusiasm...

I bought a few reusable training pants from Bright Bots which munchkin proudly wears around the house instead of going bare-bummed at nappy-free time, which she loves. This has upped our nappy-free time hours considerably because they hold just enough wee for her to give me a heads' up and grab the potty without puddles all over the floor, thus taking some of the stress out of nappy-free on those days where anything might push you over the edge...

I also offer her the option of the potty or the toilet far more often that before, and when she tells me she needs to go, I ask if she wants to go in a loo or in her nappy. This was all very civilised and resulted in a good many deposits in the potty, until her answer started to be 'neither' and it all got a bit more tricky. 

After the first couple of weeks, we reached a bit of an impasse, you see. During any time without a nappy on, I would be told that she needed a wee. Then she would refuse to go to the potty. Or the toilet. But, when a nappy was offered instead, a full meltdown would ensue. We tried different potties, offering the sink (I know, but it's recommended as an option by some and I was willing to give it a go...), and none were acceptable. So we entered the faze, which still comes and goes, of me watching her wee on the floor, or my lap, or her bed, having been told that she needs to go and being able to do very little except watch it happen. (The option of forcing her into either loo or nappy seems pretty counter intuitive to me when she's in a 'free-to-be' zone as i don't really want either to become something she hates). However, this is not conducive to the  'relaxed and laid back attitude' which EC advocates. Not in the least.

The other challenge we have is timing. Many EC-ers suggest, once you spot a cue or are told by your little'un that they need to 'go', popping them on their chosen receptacle and entertaining them until they do their thing. I have managed to keep munchkin entertained for perhaps up to 10 minutes with stories, songs and games, with regular announcements of 'Done!' triumphantly given as she peers into a bone-dry potty. We eventually give up as she is, essentially, no longer willing to sit anywhere, let alone on her toilet. Seconds later usually sees a puddle growing by her feet as she announces 'wee wee!' and worriedly shakes her soggy feet.

Those first few weeks were fun, and enjoyable and silly as we did a lot more staying at home and being nappy free. But they also felt stressful at times, and there were a number of days when, feeling increasingly irksome, I'd abandon nappy-free and just pop a nappy back on before I lost the plot. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to give her enough time and options to do her thing on a potty or toilet - when at times she clearly just wanted to be left alone to play and would have been glad of a nappy to catch the wee so she didn't have to worry about it. 

What's normal to us now?

So now, we do, essentially, a bit more EC than we did before I discovered it had a name, and a lot less than during those first excitable weeks. I offer the potty whenever I change her, after a nap or on waking, and whenever she tells me she's 'going' - but more often than not she doesn't want to and that's just fine too. If she asks to use the loo. I always let her, but if she announces she's done and she's clearly not, we just pop a nappy back on anyway. And she wears pants quite a lot, but mostly because she's discovered that a uniform of t-shirt, pants and Huggalugs (basically bumless, footless leggings) is brilliant attire for gymnastics, rolling around and general mischief when at home.

Munchkin in her 'downward dog' and EC get-up

And with our new baby? Arrival is imminent, and I think I'll more consciously watch for toilet cues, and maybe try to pop it's cute little bum over the potty if I catch a cue at a handy moment to do that (e.g. whilst munchkin is doing some pottyplay) - but it'll be the communication bit that I follow most, just as with our girl. 

The parts of EC that work for me are the ones that help bring me closer to my kidlets - the talking about and playing around toileting. The stress of trying to fulfill a change in lifestyle threatened that benefit, for us. 

So we'll still be talking avidly, and happily (in public and private), about the wee wee  and poo poo habits of everyone from me to the dog, as our munchkin is so keen to do. We'll still encourage her as she 'helps' her favourite cuddly toys to use the potty and makes her 'psssst' noise to them

as she holds them up. And we'll still have puddles on our floor from her misses. But beyond that, we're going to remain as we were - lackadaisical EC-ers at best, and probably non-EC-ers to anyone hardcore enough to do it properly!

A life without sticky stars - what a learning curve

I didn't realise that I was a kind of girl who needed validation until the validation stopped.

In life, there is a clear grading system available, if you're the kind of person who likes a grade. Or maybe needs one. At primary school I worked hard to get my body weight in sticky stars, which progressed to the rows of neat ticks, the certificates, the A's, a First... Work was no better - there was the standard ladder, plus publications, presentations, little ego boosts and rough proof that 'the girl done good'. But always, always, the validation. The thing to aim for, and then the knowledge that achieving it meant I'd done well. Was on track.

At the time - as in, for the majority of my life - I didn't realise that my aim to do my best was so strongly linked with the need for someone else to notice my best and acknowledge it. I'm not enjoying admitting this, but it would seem, on closer inspection, that my pushing to always be better at what I do, or who I am, isn't just about self-improvement. 

I like the sticky stars.

Now, I'm a wife and a mum. There's no grading system. There are no sticky stars. And I'm completely thrown.

When I think back to how ingrained this sticky star quest has gone, I zip to aged three or four where my mum used to make me maths sheets, and give me lists of words to turn into stories - at my request. I'd complete them instantly and hand them back to be graded. I loved doing them, but I loved being told how well I'd done too. I can't really remember a time when there wasn't a marker to aim for, and someone telling me 'well done' once I got to it.

It was last night, after pregnancy hormones and tiredness turned a routine scrap with my husband into a full on mental breakdown, that I took a moment to try and talk myself down and I realised why the breakdown had happened.

An innocuous comment, thrown in a lighthearted way, had been tossed into the breech by my husband and I hadn't seen the funny side. The reason? I heard the comment and immediately felt like I was being given - not a sticky star - a black mark. Not something I have been accustomed to all that often. Don't get me wrong, 3 years of creative writing workshops culminating in the immortal words 'never has anyone written so eloquently for so long about nothing at all' will enable you to take criticism with the best of them.

However, neither wifing or parenting have right or wrongs. As far as I can see, it's just a big old blur of possible options which may or may not turn out to be positive in the eyes of your family and the unique characters therein. There are no manuals (that should be really taken as such anyway), no tried and testeds and no sticky stars. This, I could probably cope with if there was some clear black-and-white-here-is-the-answer or with-the-right-research-it's-likely-this-could-be-correct stuff elsewhere in my life, but right now, there isn't. I research and research to try and get the right fit for us, and am managing to largely stumble onto stuff that seems to sit right, but it's pretty nebulas. If the plan goes to plan, this is it for a while. I am me, wife, mother and owner of a spaniel with anxiety issues. In no part of life is anything a clear cut 'do this to achieve X'. That means anything that goes well is a good day, anything that goes wrong is my fault. (Ok, in a healthy mind, maybe that's not the case, but in mine it is.) And it wasn't until last night that I realised this. And it's a bit of a problem.

So firstly, I admitted all this to my long-suffering man, who needed no confirmation that his wife has a few issues. He pulled his usual 'oh dear, love', sighed, gave me a hug and told me I was a Nellie. As is to be expected. So that's good, because now he can tell me when I'm being silly before I go supernova on him over nothing. (And sometimes telling me might make things better, not worse. Sometimes.)

It's mostly me that needs to try to reprogramme, and that's going up take time. Interestingly, this has all coincided with me looking into non-rewards-based parenting. I'm far from done with my reading and thinking phase of it, but I think the self awareness moment I've just had helps to add another dimension to it. It's not just parenting, all these decisions we make about how to raise our children. It's a potential programming of how they're going to think and define themselves in the future. I'm not for one moment suggesting my parents did it wrong. Not all children turn into odd driven beings with self-esteem issues. My munchkin is, so far, quite similar in attitude and temperament to me, though, which could indicate a following of similar patterns of behaviour if given the same parameters.

The biggest challenge for me with non-rewards-based parenting is that it's just so alien to me. My immediate response to anything the munchkin does is 'well done!' My encouragement of a well-inserted jigsaw piece falls into 'brilliant, now do it again with another piece!' This is not ideal verbal interaction, if the writers on this area to be believed.

What a beautiful thing...

More research needed, I can feel myself erring towards this form of parenting, which can only mean one thing. A big dose of relearning for me, and a life void of sticky stars in the future. Apart from on art projects, obviously. Maybe that's where I'll learn to get my hit.

The girl with the curl

My mum used to recite that all the time when I was little. Or, that's how I remember it now. I couldn't tell you if she ever said it directly to me but it still feels like a defining poem.

My little girl, at the age of one, is a definite Girl with a Curl. She's an absolute delight to be around, except on the rare occasion when she's hideous. She is fiercely determined to get her own way, especially when it isn't my way, and her independence knows no bounds. There are times I want to scream at her mood swings - and then realise the reason for my irritability at her sudden change in temper is my own challenging and interchangeable mood.

Faced with a fall resulting from too many steps too quickly, or a bang on the head from a chair that appeared from nowhere, she won't cry, or need a cuddle. She'll get angry, and try again. Thwarted by a pesky piece of pear slipping around on the plate, she'll sooner go without it then accept me picking it up and offering it to her. And woe betide me or anyone else coming between her and her own way, whatever that looks like. That girl has an incredible set of lungs on her and she's not afraid to use them. I spend a lot of time trying not to shout back. Because that will teach her that answering shouting with shouting is right and I don't want that. It doesn't mean that isn't my natural inclination though...

It's incredible how much of my curly personality this little girl has inherited. Meanwhile, I'm trying to straighten my curls like crazy so she learns from a decent role model, rather than the equally hotheaded mother she has.

There's a flip side to being a curly girly though. To have a curly side requires feist. It needs a streak of defiance which can mean tenacity, determination and a will to achieve what we set out to achieve. It means we have passion - and that whilst we have an opinion on everything, it's because we care enough to have researched and then formed one.

I try to remember this when we're at loggerheads, like this morning when we were getting dressed happily until she decided she wanted to put her top on (she can't yet), I insisted on helping, so she slapped me and threw the top on the floor. 'We don't hit people. It doesn't show love and it makes me feel so sad when you do that' is what comes out of my mouth in a calm tone - but really I can completely sympathise. I once threw my hairbrush across my bedroom so vehemently that it snapped in two - because my hair wouldn't 'go right'. And I was 16. She's only 1.

A very curly girly... Love this film!

I'm dreading the phases when we'll undoubtedly clash - and the areas we'll likely clash on, if she's as precocious and full of 'right' opinions like I was for so many years. I think I've mellowed and become more open minded and reasonable as I've gotten older - but that might just be compared to how I used to be; you could meet me and still think I'm self-righteous and supercilious. (I hope not, but it's definitely possible.)

Teen years aside (which I'm already bracing myself for), I think the positives of this family trait outweigh the negatives. I'm looking forward to helping my little munchkin look up information on the latest thing she has to know all about, to debating opposite views and learning tolerance for other opinions. I can't wait to see her stick to her guns and hold tight to her beliefs, whatever they are. To seeing her strength of self and her sense of justice blossom and encouraging her to use these things do do something tangible or proactive. Because if there's something that a Curly Girly isn't, it's apathetic or unmotivated.

Maybe, thinking about it, I shouldn't be trying to straighten my curls - because then she won't have the kind of role model that I want her to have. I don't want to be flat. Maybe I just need a good dose of personality Frizzease to help tame those curls and keep them beautiful and shiny rather then wild and ugly. Because as Girls with a Curl, we can choose to embrace the parts of this character that are valuable and with so many great parts, I'm proud that my girl has a distinctive curl of her own.

A generous Lent

For Lent, I used to give up something that would eventually make me feel better about me - maybe chocolate, or drinking, or something else with health-and-thin-inducing benefits.

Then Tearfund started 'the carbon fast' and I began giving up something a bit more worthwhile, something that might benefit others or the environment - my car for a week to save the fuel and pollution, perhaps, or my favourite fruit that was so far out of season that it took several aeroplanes to bring it to my local supermarket. (The carbon fast is brilliant, and whilst it's not their current Lent-push, the Tearfund resources are still available if you fancied an eco-flavoured Lent this or next year - you can find them here.)

This year, I'm not giving up anything though. I'm taking up something: a generous spirit. I came across the 40 Acts challenge via an old uni friend's Facebook page - and I'm so glad she posted about it. Every day, an email with a short thought and a challenge comes my way. Whether it's to be more generous with my time for others, to the environment, with my material possessions, or my thoughts and cares that day, it's really helping me to think about being a more generous person in every way.

Yesterday, I was challenged to be more generous with my thanks, and I realised how a simple thank you can be a huge encouragement when you feel overlooked or ground down. Today, I'm being encouraged to hold onto my things more lightly, perhaps to strip away belongings that I just don't need and give them to others, or to give away something I really love to someone who will value it as much or more.

I wonder what it would be like in my local area if all of us were trying to be actively generous to each other? The recycling box that has blown down the street might find it's way home, the park might be litter-free, there might be relationships growing in more places down the street, less dog mess around, more meals or flowers dropped off at doors with a smile. The local tip would have less sofas chucked in it, and the housing estate across the way would look as homely inside as our road does.

If I was more generous with my time and my care for those around me, I might have known that my neighbour had been in hospital for two weeks and made an effort when she got home to offer to help with cleaning, shopping, or just some company.

I'm not an ungenerous person. But I have realised that I am generous to the people I love. I give my time to the causes I care about most, or offer help where I want to give it. I am generous where being generous is easy. And this challenge, for me, is about changing my mindset around generosity - we are told to love our neighbour as ourselves, and that everyone is our neighbour. That means it's time for me to be generous where it's inconvenient, or to give my time to someone that I'd perhaps rather avoid.

So this Lent, I'm asking God to prompt me each day to be generous in the way that He is, to give my time, efforts, love and kindness to the people, things and situations that are on His heart, regardless of whether I like them or not. And it's really hard.

It's so much harder than giving up chocolate that I can't help but think that this is the way that God has always wanted me to observe Lent.

If you're interested, it's not too late to sign up to 40 acts - go to www.40acts.co.uk :)

The land they claim

There is something that the elusive 'They' didn't tell me about motherhood. That, from the moment your child comes along, they take a flag with their name on, carve a rough boundary line around a chunk of your heart, and a corresponding chunk of your brain, and stake their claim.

Staking their claim in the brilliant / guilty pleasure
which is 'Far and Away'.

Having spoken to other mums, they have felt this too, some to the extent that they can't find space for themselves in their heads anymore, some quietly panicking that they'll never 'switch off' again. Someone said to me the other day that this claim staking is making them wonder whether there's literally enough space in their heads for the three children originally planned. I can see that. Whilst the heart space is a slight concern, it's the head space that really concerns me.

I think I used to be a vaguely intelligent person. I have a first degree and a small handful of good jobs well done to confirm it. And please don't get me wrong, I am not saying for one moment that having a child has turned me into a stupid, unambitious zombie (a description of mothers that a 'Stylist' magazine poll on motherhood aired to the masses a few weeks ago - as just one viewpoint, I should quickly explain before I unwittingly begin a war on Stylist by mums everywhere). But I do doubt how well I would do back in my old working world again, and I'm not entirely sure that it's all about 'baby brain'.

Initially, in pregnancy, I hated the baby brain and did truely feel like I was losing myself. My good memory, recall, vocabulary, all gone in a flutter of little fingers and toes. I still forget stuff now, 11 months into motherhood, but I don't think it's baby brain in the sense that it was. I just think my brain can't run at full capacity anymore on the things it used to. It has to run an additional programme all the time, sometimes as the main piece of software, but always in the background, and it uses memory. It's taking up space. My additional programme? Mini-Peel 1.0.

This could well be an  accurate picture of Mini-Peel 1.0. Really.

Whether it's running calculations on the time until another nappy change or how much calcium has been had today, or more sophisticated algorithms like what kind of schooling we want her to have or how to make sure she understand her emotions as she develops... It's always on. Always. And it makes all other brain activities - not harder... Just less important. It makes my other brain activities lack the conviction,  the ballsey 110%-or-nothing attitude that meant they got accomplished really well. Because there's just not 110% there to give them now.

I said at the start that it's something that's shocked me about motherhood. There may be daddies out there who have had their chunks of brain staked too, but I don't think it's as widespread. My husband is the most supportive partner and the best dad I could ever have imagined. His heart is firmly in the sticky grip of our little'un and he dotes on her. He also is happy to admit that when he shuts the door to the house and leaves for work, that's it until he's home. He is daddy no longer unless his phone rings and it's me on the line. He is himself, doing a good job at work, with clients, in meetings, with his team, wherever he is. His heart may have been staked at the moment she was born, but his head is firmly his own when he chooses it to be.

And thank goodness! One of us has to earn the pennies and I'm not convinced he'd do as well at work if he was worrying about what to do the first time our one-day teenage daughter brings a pimpley youth home and announces she's in love. Or how we'll manage things if she ever gets bullied. Or hooked on drugs. Or retreats into herself and shuts us out. These are all things that Mini-Peel 1.0 is running at this moment in my head and I am hugely thankful that my husband can get through his day without its myriad distractions.

I'm shocked by it, this incessant whirring of my mind around my little girl, but I'm not resentful of it. I've chosen to make this my full time job for now, and in my last full time job, I would start early, stay late, check emails at all hours, and often dream about work. In some ways, it was always whirring away in the background, so it makes sense that my new job has me doing the same - plus a bit extra, given it involves the life of a real little person.

In some ways I'm grateful for it, Mini-Peel 1.0, because it keeps me from succumbing to the selfish urges I get - to just ignore her whinging for a moment so I can have a few more moments in the shower, to roll over and go back to sleep when she wakes at night. If you're a parent, you'll know these. Either that or I'm a really bad person. The background programme kicks me into remembering how important it is not to do what I want in these scenarios - and then sometimes terrifies me by reeling off a stat or psychological finding of the potential impact of me doing that selfish thing, because I read too much, retain odd things, and chances are there's a reason not to do pretty much everything in the parenting spectrum backed up by someone or other at some point along the line.

So, I'm glad that my little'un has staked her claim in my heart, and in my head, for now. It's a good thing. Until I start to wonder if that claim will one day be the reason she complains that she has an overprotective mother and it's damaging her ability to be truely independent. Or tells her flatmates that I have empty nest syndrome and am driving her away with my constant calling... But there goes Mini-Peel 1.0 again, and quite frankly, those are concerns for Future Me to deal with.

The essence of calm

I've been thinking about this for a while, off and on. Mainly because, if you were to consider what the essence of calm is, you would probably look for the opposite of me.

It's not really a Christmas thought, but this Advent had thrown it into sharper focus.

I've always wanted to be one of those graceful people, the ones who are likened to a swan. Me? While my legs are paddling frantically under the water too, unfortunately you can tell by all the splashing. And my face is all red and splotchy. And I'm exuding a kind of mild panic and chaos that has most sane people avoiding me, lest they catch the 'do-too-much-in-not-enough-time-and-badly' lurgy.

After agreeing to do too much this Christmas, as usual, and having more than a few concerned texts post seeing me (you'd never ask to my face...)  checking if I'm ok because I 'seem a bit stressed', I've started to think about this from a parenting perspective.

On becoming a parent, I re-evaluated a lot of my less positive traits - bad language, bad temper, bad moods - because I didn't want my daughter learning these things as part of her 'how to be a human' study. And I definitely didn't want her developing her own bad traits as a result of my poor self-control.

That's all a work in progress on its own, and I seem to be adding more and more character traits to my list of things to do better. But what of the 'do-too-much' syndrome? The headless-chicken behaviour? I wonder now if that is yet another trait I need to try to improve on. Is an air of chaos really something I want to teach her?

In my last job, before having my girl, I had a wonderful CEO - a visionary, who inspired and motivated everyone. And who had everyone in a fluster the moment she walked into the office. To try and protect those I lead from the immediate feeling of stress that accompanied every new business venture, I made as much effort as I could to push away my own tendency to flap. I tried to be a buffer between the chaotic brilliance of the idea and the methodical carrying out of the tasks needed to make it all happen. This was completely counter-me, but it was worth the effort to act against my natural tendencies - my team was much happier.

So, if I was able to make this much effort for my team, my workplace, surely I should be able to pour much more into setting an example for my little munchkin?

The wonderful Susan Sarandon playing Marmee -
look at that wise expression!

I have often struggled to be the person I want to be. When I was younger, I used to imagine Marmee from 'Little Women' sitting me down and telling me that I was 'more intent on reshaping [my] dear little nose then on fashioning [my] character!' That said (to Amy, actually), I always related most to Jo, being louder and larger than life while wanting to be - no, wanting to want to be - gentle and ladylike, but finding my own character fighting against it.

Now, I'm a 'Marmee' myself, I need to be doing the telling, not being told. I need to be the example to follow, not the mess being gently corrected. Oh dear.

So I guess I'll add 'being calm' to my list of character traits to work on. I'll gently correct myself (or at least try not to berate myself too severely) every time I catch myself flurrying around like a whirling dervish and catching up, or repelling, people in my hurricane.

A graceful swan - without the hiss...

With plenty of perseverance, one day, I'll be a swan, and hopefully, my little one will see a calm, graceful Marmee to look up to and try to emulate.

However, that wonderful saying that it takes a village to raise a child is true, and I can't have every good trait for her to learn from on my own. So if my swanlike aspirations fail, I'll just have to direct her to the more positive role models for calm and poise that she's sure to be surrounded by, when my own model is flawed.

Gifts of love

Welcome to the December 2014 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Greatest Gifts
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have suggested go-to gifts and gifting experiences for the holiday season for all your loved ones.
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When I was little, we had plenty. It wasn't much, but it was all we needed.

My parents were young when they had us, which meant young in their careers too, and I know that my dad, who was away with the Navy a lot of the time, always had a second job moonlighting as a chef or a farmhand when he was shore-based.

Not THE dress, but it's similar...!

My mum used to make a lot of our - and her - clothes, and my dad was a dab hand with the sewing machine too. Handy at quite a bit, actually - he made my brothers bunk beds, and when our tiny two bedroom house got too small for a family of 5, he turned the end of the hallway into my very own bedroom. Seriously cool - it had a cabin bed and everything.

And that way of life is how I remember the best Christmasses I had.

My all time favourite Christmas present - I must have been about 5. We were excitedly gathered outside the lounge waiting for daddy to finish shaving (which I now know he did to build the suspense more, given that he's usually the first to be heard at 5am on Christmas morning stage-whispering 'It's Christmas - can we get up now?!!'). After what felt like hours, and was probably around five minutes, the door was slowly opened, and there, hanging on the curtain rail, was my Christmas present.

Bright red needlecord with a white cotton embroidery anglais border around the bottom. It was beautiful. It was the kind of pinafore that princesses wore (because everyone knows that flouncy skirts would get in the way on all the exciting Princessy adventures). And it was brand new, made just for me.

Wow. I don't remember a lot more of that day. I don't remember a lot of loss of my Christmas days over the years, or the gifts that many people carefully selected for me. But I remember every bit of that dress.

I'm not a fan of the way Christmas can get overtaken by gifts - not even specific gifts, but just a sheer volume of wrapped stuff which, come thank-you card writing time, we can barely recall. Don't get me wrong, I love presents. I love getting wonderful things that I can't justify buying myself, I love the exciting stack of colourful paper packages under a gorgeous-smelling, ornament-covered tree. But I don't want to trade that for the wonder of feeling so special to those around me that they wanted to give me something they had carefully and lovingly planned to be just for me. And I think, sometimes, we can be overwhelmed by volume, rather then specifics.

This year, my husband and I have been thinking up ways to ramp up the magic-factor for Christmas, ostensibly for our munchkin, but very obviously for us, as she just won't care beyond the mountains of tasty foods she can wolf down... Apparently self-opening doors to the lounge where the tree etc is waiting is our favourite. Why we hadn't thought of it before is quite worrying, it's an obvious must for any self-respecting household.

Said Wheelybug - available from many a place, I'm sure...

We are also making most of our gifts, partly for financial reasons, but also because there's something quite wonderful about receiving a present that you know has had time, effort, care and thought put into it. A lot of our friends and family are homemade Christmas fans too, and I'm sure a good proportion of our gifts will have been made rather than bought.

Our munchkin is getting a second hand Wheelybug, but she's also getting a handmade, slightly imperfect dress, because, 28 years on, I still prize that gift above every other I have been given, year on year. And that means, clearly, that there must be something a bit magical about a homesewn Christmas outfit.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon December 9 with all the carnival links.)

• I Want to Buy All of the Things — The Economama discusses whether there's a way to buy all of the baby stuff she desperately wants for her daughter without spoiling her.
• The "Collectors" and the "Concentrators": How Children React to Lots of Presents — Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., at Parental Intelligence discusses two types of children who receive gifts: the "Collectors" who rip open the wrappings on their their presents and love to count them and the "Concentrators" who spend endless time on each gift ignoring the array of presents around them.
• The Joy of Giving and Receiving — Ellen at Life With Lucien shares her three-year-old son's new favorite toy for imaginative play.
• Books: Best Present Ever! — Holly at Leaves of Lavender discusses some of the many reasons why books are the ideal gifts for little ones.
• 10 DIY Gifts You Still Have Time To Make — A roundup of 10 DIY gifts that don't take much time to make from Doña at Nurtured Mama.
• Pumpkin Gingerbread Loaves - A Delicious Holiday Gift — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares one of her favorite recipes to make and give during the holidays. This Pumpkin Gingerbread Loaf is much anticipated by her friends and loved ones. Learn how to create this delicious gift from the heart!
• Christmas gifts for dreamers — Tat at Mum in search shares her favourite books and resources that have helped her get inspired and move forward towards her dreams this year.
• Natural parent's baby shower registry — Since she had everything already for baby #3, Lauren at Hobo Mama is amusing herself by building a list of essentials and a few fun fripperies for a natural-parenting nursery.
• Gifts of love — Charlie at PeelingClementines recalls her favourite Christmas gift of all time and thinks about how to add this magic to her little one's first Christmas.
• The Gift of Letting Go — Dionna at Code Name: Mama has discovered that when you're a perfectionist, sometimes the best gift is simply releasing yourself from self-imposed expectations.
• Montessori Inspired Gifts for Babies and Toddlers — Rachel at Bread and Roses shares gift ideas that were a hit with her son last year and what's on her wishlist for this year.
• Giftmas Ideas for Kids — Momma Jorje offers an original gift idea that hasn't been overdone and is good for the kids!
• Favorite CDs for Babies and Toddlers {Gift Guide} — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares her family's favorite CDs for babies and toddlers, some of which were favorites of her children and are now favorites of her granddaughter.
• The Birthday Turned Christmas Wish List — That Mama Gretchen forgot to share her birthday wish list this fall, but she's still wishin' and hopin' a present or two will arrive for Christmas!
• 8 Thoughtful Non-Toy Gifts for Baby — Is your family asking for hints for presents to give baby? Moorea, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, offers this list of ideas that won't overwhelm your little one with toys.